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The Onion News Network, encompasing the former separate divisions of the Onion Radio News as well as its video and print divisions, presents a single hard-hitting news story per day, an audio version of the same award-winning coverage The Onion is known for in its print and online versions. Doyle Redland (Recent Onion annual poetry contest winner) is the tough-as-nails anchorman who millions ha...read more

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Top Tracks of The Onion

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
Back Of Library Smells Like Weed
Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ
Rules Grammar Change
Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
Wife's Shortcomings Laid Bare By Female Sportscaster
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage
'Demography Today' Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again
Animal-Control Officer In Way Over His Head
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito
Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases Of Coke
Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer
New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers
Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive
Christ Returns To NBA
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported
Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
Emoticon Typo Commits Woman To 2nd Date
Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work
Company's Sexual-Harrassment Policy Targets One Employee
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene
Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room
Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback
Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead
Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?
NASA, NASCAR Merge
New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
Man Born To Party Dies Partying
Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production
Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt
Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair
Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video
Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby
357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash
Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature
Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident
Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars
Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon
Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend
Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen
Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate
Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
Wal-Mart To Employ 80,000 Iraq War Veterans As Greeters
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage
Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face
How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side
Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.
Homeless To Phase Out Dimes By 2011
Unidentified Source Never Knows When To Leave
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?
Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa
Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings
Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex
Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner
Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing
Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her
Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker
Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets
Whale Christ Feeds Whale Masses With Single Krill
Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough
Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed
Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule
Area Man Overcomes Relaxing Battle With Sedatives
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free
17-Year Locusts Can't Believe Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Still Around
Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon
Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse
Rookie Defense Attorney Takes Overruled Objection Personally
Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village
New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time
Man Dies After Long, Painful Battle With Life
Last Mozzarella Stick Sacrificed In Herculean Display Of Good Manners
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
Pollster's Wife 'Somewhat Dissatisfied' With Her Marriage
Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase
Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Rejudging
Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo
Obese BIllionaire Opens World's Largest Gravy Park
Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting
Roomba Continues Gathering Evidence Against Human Captor
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
Fight On Top Of Moving Train Not Looking Good For Area Villain
Aging Seeing-Eye Dog Purchases Seeing-Eye Squirrel
Man Says This Is The Year He Stops Eating Bologna
How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat
Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline
Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act
Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian
Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
Old Sheriff In Town Doing Perfectly Adequate Job
School Board Votes To Allow Teasing Of Area Sixth-Grader
Area Man Less Capable Than Own Watch
Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals
NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams
Moment Of Silence Interrupted By New Tragedy
How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings
Area Man Tests Limits Of Human Stomach
Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'
Transplant Recipient Still Getting Feel For New Pancreas
East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women
Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present
Water Park Promises More Fun Than Water Capable Of Delivering
Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show
Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just for Woman He Follows
Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes
Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street
DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room
Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World
Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine
Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist
Legendary Duck Survives Another Hunting Season
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes
Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough
Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night
Coalition Of Hobos, Raccoons Collapses Over Meaty Bone
NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions
Area Man Wants Something Made Out Of Titanium
Heartbroken Demolitions Expert Throws Himself Into His Work
Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor
In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?
Fat Family Has Fat Pets
New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence
God Re-Floods Middle East
God Recalls Tracheas Of Millions Of Indonesians
Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks
Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself
Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb
Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea
Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister
Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions
Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game
Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle
Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family
Area Hunchback Has Voice Of Television Announcer
8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese
Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier
Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use
Area Hunter Only Does It For The Jerky
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
Eskimo Chef Works Magic With Blubber, Moss
Area Man Mows Around Dead Body
Police On Lookout For Poorly Drawn Man
Meat Shelf Breaks Free Of Iowa
Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations
Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public
134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error
President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule
Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'
Urinator Apprehended
Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank
In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume
Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title
Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years
Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible
BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS
Man Gives Up Trying To Get Coat Back From Former Girlfriend
Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman
Plan 'L' Switched To
In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?
Hamm's Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo
NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line
Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog
Area Fry-Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Isn't That Easy
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down
Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer
Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor
New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears
Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite
Spokeswoman Gives Birth To Spokeschild
Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India
Do-It-Yourselfer Drywalls With His Gut
Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers
Is the Government Spying on Schizophrenics Enough?
Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store
YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video
Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans
Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine
Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years
Man Defends Cartoon Character With Unexpected Vigor
Miss Teen U.S.A. Declares Herself Miss Teen U.S.A. For Life
Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding
Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV
New Bill Will Send Illegal Immigrants To Iraq
World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100
Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves
Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle
Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming
In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?
NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King
Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him
Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze
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